and Robert have a fantastic discussion about stress and pressure and the impact on performance. Elle started coaching her own boys to have less stress when playing sports and when their performance improved more and more players asked for her help. Then she started helping entire teams and organizations find the joy of Pressure Free performance.
A little bit about Elle...
Have you ever wished there was a magic way to stop stress from messing with you? A way to reduce chronic illness, stress fat? Feel less worried or anxious? Stop self-sabotaging and eroding your relationships? Elle Ingalls can show you how. She's the creator of the Pressure-Free Method.
It's an on-the-go stress management method that you can use anywhere, anytime. This is the ultimate “work smarter, not harder” formula. Elle draws on her experience as a performance coach, executive, professional musician, community leader, and parent of three grown sons, plus her three degrees from the University of Michigan and decades of research to help you break the stress cycle and experience your full potential.
Robert Peterson 0:00
Today's guest is Ellie Ingalls. Have you ever wished there was a magic way to stop stress from messing with you? A way to reduce chronic illness, stress fat, feel less worried or anxious, stop self sabotaging and eroding your relationships. Elle Ingalls can show you how she's the creator of the pressure free method. It's an on the go stress management method that you can use anywhere, anytime. This is the ultimate work smarter, not harder. Formula. l draws on her experience as a performance coach, executive professional musician, community leader and parent of three grown sons, plus her three degrees from the University of Michigan and decades of research. To help you break the stress cycle and experience your full potential. Elle Ingalls and Robert have a fantastic discussion about stress and pressure and the impact on performance. l started coaching her own boys to have less stress when playing sports. And when their performance improved, more and more players asked for her help. Then she started helping entire teams and organizations find the joy of pressure free performance. l thank you very much for joining me today. I'm excited to have this conversation and just looking forward to sharing your journey with our audience.
Elle Ingalls 2:10
Fabulous. I'm happy to be here, Robert.
Robert Peterson 2:13
Absolutely. Now I just lost who referred you. Wow. Lila,
Elle Ingalls 2:19
Robert Peterson 2:21
I knew that man. Okay, I want to thank Lila Of course. Thank you everyone that's listening. I'm very grateful that you've taken the opportunity to join me and I'm grateful that Lila made the referral for us. looking forward to sharing your journey and your story. I typically have each guest to start with their own entrepreneurial journey and share what's got you to where you are now and what you're offering the world.
Elle Ingalls 2:51
Sure, it sounds great. I kind of fell into being an entrepreneur. I didn't wake up one morning and say, boom, this is what I want to do. It's kind of got three pieces to it. If you think about all the different things you've learned in life and all the different gifts and talents you have, and and then how they start to, like all the cogs of the wheels start to fit into place, if you will. That's really what happened to me in 2010. If we go back to high school, in high school, I was a track athlete. I did a lot of other sports too. But that was my big one. I wanted to have a really great senior season. I was working out all winter long. I was like one of the first girls in weightlifting, weightlifting with the football players, just trying to get super strong for my final season. I wanted to run in college. I was training in the wrong shoes. I ended up ruining my knees. I got to the point Robert, where I could barely walk like it was really bad. I had to leave the team. It kind of caused a crisis in me. I went to the coaches and said, Can I apprentice Coach, can I help you? I'll take stats, I'll keep splits, I'll do whatever you want. But I can't. I don't want to leave my team. I love my team. Of course they wanted the extra hands. I was just doing it all learning, learning from them and following their lead. Then something unusual started to happen. Toward the end of the season. As we got into those bigger meats. There would be this little line of kids, girls and boys who wanted me to talk to them before their big events. Like before the Hi John, there'd be this little group and they're like, just help us calm down, exactly what to say. I've been a violinist since I was tiny. I know how to perform very well on stage. I would just share these little simple tools for them, they could have a great event. That was kind of the journeyIn the beginning, and then, when I got to college, when I did my graduate degree, I was the first woman in orchestral conducting at the University of Michigan, which is a very prestigious program. It was like a miracle. I got it. broke a glass ceiling. It was during that degree program after a concert that I had conducted. The soloist was a clarinetist, and he asked me to perform on my violin at his senior recital. Of course, I said, yes, the concert had just gone great. I was in a great mood. then I was all doing an MBA at the same time. I really didn't have a lot of time to practice. I'm like, crap, I gotta practice Mozart, I've got to work this thing up I can play for this guy. Everything was fine. Rehearsals went great. we stepped out on stage or for any of you, whoever had to speak in front of a group of people, and anytime any public speaking, in this case, was performing what I stood out on stage, we walked out there. Normally, there's just a few people at a senior recital. This kid must have been popular because it was standing room only like it was actually standing three deep in the back. When I looked in the back, all of the string professors were violin, viola, cello, bass, and all of the string faculty had come to watch our quartet play with this guy. I just was like, it's like who's in the room? You can speak to a lot of people and never have any sort of stage for panic attacks. then suddenly, there's that one person in the room? when I saw that string faculty, that was it for me, I was just like, Oh, no. I had for the first time ever in my life, I was 26 at the time, a full blown panic attack.
Elle Ingalls 6:58
Now, we didn't call it that back then we called it stage f. When I got back to my apartment, I was like, this can never happen. Again, I can't stand in front of a 70 piece orchestra and have a breakdown. We didn't have any magic little boxes back then, no devices. I went to the Michigan Medical Library, where I had done some research for paper ones. I just went to the research librarians and said, I want everything you've got on mind, body connection, stage f, anything along those lines. I just started creating from that research ways to always perform well, which I've used for years. Al, here comes the third part, fast forward, 2010. I have three sons, we have three sons, my oldest two, were playing baseball for the same team, high school team. My senior, my high school senior, said to me, Mother, You should teach the boys your mental toughness tools that you teach your violin students, we would be amazing. You've taught him to us and you should just teach it to all the boys. I just started laughing like who wants their mother in the dugout, that's what I said, like, and he goes, No, seriously, I want you in the dugout, and he looked at my, his brother and my other son. That's like, yes, we want you to do this. I put together some writing, my husband gave me some baseball graphics and tightened up the language because he's a pro rider. It took this little rude pamphlet, to my crude, I shouldn't say rude, although it might have been a little rude. it was definitely crude. I took it to the coaches and took it to the TOUGH COACH first, who I knew if he didn't like it, the boys would not respect me. He gave me the thumbs up, he actually said this had a lot of merit, and that I should work with the boys. Then I took it to the head coach and on the spot, he asked me to be his private coach. He was a financial planner, it was 2010. he says, I just need to see the caller ID of a client and it just throws me into stress. He became my first client. I worked with those boys, one by one, I just sat on the grass and coached them. that turned into of course, word of mouth. It started getting out that I had this way I could help people destress I could help people perform well in the heat of the moment. then it was like, honestly, Robert is like a download from above. where suddenly all that stuff from the past, all the research I've ever done on these subjects to help my students perform well myself perform well. It all came together and I created the pressure free method. It is a proven method that helps you break the stress cycle which people do not talk about because most people don't even know about it. the stress cycle and a male can last up to nine hours and a female can last up to 24. What I do is I teach you how to not overreact even small annoyances or the big things happening in your life. that you have full mental and physical capability to get you through whatever you need to get through. I had no idea when I started this, how it would be impactful for people mentally and physically. Some of my clients have had diseases, they've had their whole life just completely go into remission, I have myself, relationships improved, I have people say I can't believe it. Now I'm talking to my teenager first before that was an issue. many ancillary benefits to whatever their original reason to come into me was that, it's really been a beautiful journey for the past 12 years that I've been doing it.
Robert Peterson 10:56
good. I'm a huge fan of this mind-body connection, and, and just recognizing that the state of our culture in the state of our mental health, and how much stress and anxiety is avoidable. If people if people understood and, and the reality is that, obviously, in my world, Viktor Frankl is, a huge and, and, his, his famous quote is that, between stimulus and response, there's this moment, this moment that you get the choice, you get to choose your response. The majority of people feel like their lives are outside of their control. there's, this is all happening to me, I'm a victim of my circumstances and the conditions and you just don't understand I'm different from everybody else.
Elle Ingalls 12:01
Oh, you're a special snowflake. Here's the deal, when you are under the influence of the stress response, that is your reality. it's that your brain is not cognitively even able to find that moment from those. That's why people will feel that way. That's why we have many mental illnesses today. That's why we have many people suffering unnecessarily as you're bringing forward. It's not your fault. Like if this is you, if you're feeling this, honestly, you were never taught this, you were never taught how your body works in fight or flight. once I teach that to you, and you understand why your hands are sweaty, or why your face turns red, or why your brow is furrowed, or your jaw is tight, why you can't breathe, why your gut hurts, it's not a gut health problem, I'm sorry, but it's not you're not actually allergic to all those foods. your stomach can't work,? When you're caught in the stress cycle.
Robert Peterson 13:09
this current epidemic of depression, and the number of people who think of taking these antipsychotics and all of these other pills, to eliminate the sadness in their world. start to recognize, you mentioned, fight and flight, which is being triggered by this anxiety and stress. the brain is dumping, cortisol and adrenaline into the body, which is designed for
Elle Ingalls 13:37
my adrenal glands
Robert Peterson 13:40
it's designed, it's designed to get into a boxing match, or to run away at really high speeds. It's not designed to sit on the couch. we're doing even a bigger disservice. not only are we dumping those chemicals into our body, but we're not using our body in the way those chemicals are designed. then those chemicals are just sitting there inside of us doing yuck and making us feel the opposite of what they're designed to do. They're actually in motion. They're designed to give you that runner's high there designed to give you that little extra oomph when you're when you're inactivity, but when you're inactive, all the artists,
Elle Ingalls 14:21
Actually I put a lot of athletes, and I teach them to find their sweet spot. For example, and this became clear at a retreat I held this summer. There was a fellow at my retreat who was a sprinter when he was in high school. What I teach my runners is that when they have warmed up, and they're on the starting line, the sound of the starting gun can actually cause them to trigger fight or flight. then no matter what the race is, it could be 100 200 402 mile doesn't matter. They'll hit the wall I was teaching this summer. this fellow goes, Oh, my gosh, it was an epiphany for him. He ran 100-200. Then he ran relays. He did a four by five 400. He said, This is a four by 100. He goes, This is amazing. Four by 100. I'm not anywhere near the starting gun. His times were always faster. He never hit the wall on that final, final leg, because he was the anchor leg. if he was on the starting line for 100, he would hit the wall, I guess. When you find that sweet spot as an athlete, like I have, my youngest son is 10. When I created this method, he's been using it since he was 10. I'm not saying I'm not even I don't use the word proud with my sons at all. This is their lives and what they've created. I'm thrilled for them. My son was saluted by Torian in the last class at Columbia University. During his senior year, he ran five marathons in seven months. Wow. Which sounds pretty crazy. He has much of a capability over his mind and his body to be able to do things both academically and physically, that most people would say that, how can you do that? I'm watching this experiment, I consider it his experiment?
Robert Peterson 16:23
a little bit of yours.
Elle Ingalls 16:25
A little bit of mine, exactly. It's fascinating to watch and see what happens. you're absolutely, that once we have triggered fight or flight, and actually there are two floods of hormones. The first one is to allow us to fight and run away. Then there's a second flood that releases from the adrenal gland, the outer cortex goes straight into the bloodstream, it can get everywhere very quickly. Those are called glucocorticoids. glucose and cortisol, you hear a lot about cortisol today, people are trying to take things to lower their cortisol, they're smoking weed, they're taking melatonin, they're doing these things, because they think they need to lower the cortisol, I consider that quite dangerous. If you have triggered adrenaline, you've actually damaged your neurons. The cortisol and glucose go out to fix the salt, sugar, water content of your brain cells and your extremities to power you back up to get the cells back to normal. if you try to lower cortisol, and you have released the adrenaline, you're actually doing your brain a real big disservice. I'm actually concerned about what's going to be happening to people over time, if they don't understand the link of what happens in the adrenaline phase, what happens in the glucocorticoid phase, both phases, by the way, have a ton of side effects. two side effects of the second flood, our cortisol is your wake up drug. you'll be wide awake at 2am. Or you can't get to sleep, that's because you had your argument after you got home from work or whatever. Now you're trying to get to sleep and you can't because the Cortisol is released, it all can cause your brain to feel anxious for no reason other than that kind of generalized anxiety or nervousness or worry. they're like, Wow, I shouldn't be worried here. why am I worried when I'm safe, the roof doesn't leak out, whatever, whatever you've got going on here. that will be going on. it's solely your biology creating your psychology. When you understand what's happening with these two floods and the different side effects of both, you can start to untangle and figure out what's really happening with you. then that's part one of what I do with people's targets is to find their targets. What do you really want to have happen? Do you want to be able to take tests well? Or do you want to be able to speak in front of a class or a meeting? Or is it on a stage? Do you want to run faster? Do you want a promotion at work? What is it that you want? Do you want a better relationship? What don't you want to like, I don't want heart disease, I don't want cancer, I don't want diabetes. Those are the three things that took my parents. I'm staying clear as long as I possibly can, hopefully forever. What don't you want? Then step two is identifying those triggers, like you were saying. What is it that's making you overreact, causing you to overreact and release these hormones? One of the things I teach people is that especially if you trigger fight or flight over annoyances in anger, I'm sure you can justify even your anxiety. I'm sure you can justify why you're worried. You can justify and rationalize why you have ever been angry here. You've told someone a million times to put their socks away and they have eous
Robert Peterson 19:51
anger. Oh, much better. All
Elle Ingalls 19:55
of that. your brain wants to always rationalize and justify what's happening to you. That's very natural. If you can step back and say to yourself, I could easily justify being angry in this moment, but who's it going to hurt, it hurts you the most, but it also erodes your relationship with the other being. When you start to really look, my target is to have a good relationship with this person. I'm writing it every time I get upset about this. you got that nine hour 24 hour effect, you're actually avoiding that relationship for hours after the initial incident and
Robert Peterson 20:37
the impact on your body because guess what, if you're triggered by that little annoyance, is something else going to annoy you in that nine hour period and start the cycle all over again. there's people that are living, in fight or flight constantly, their brain. They're being eaten or chased by lions all the time.
Elle Ingalls 20:57
. 99.99% of people. That is the case. When I learned that in 2010, I cried because I thought How old was I? When I didn't feel angry? Anxious, annoyed, ashamed. wasn't environmentally triggered, at least once a day probably h2 If not, never, because we start triggering when we're in utero. We can hear everything. You don't have to put headphones on your baby. That water goes underwater, you can hear the boat two miles away. You can hear everything. We heard harsh voices. Anytime our moms were stressed. That's the only two things I have found in deep research about autism are maternal stress and age sperm. a mother, a woman who finds out she's pregnant immediately has the ability to be stressed. we get to back that out?
Robert Peterson 21:59
Absolutely. in our culture, we've just created this huge drama, influence,?, are in the same brain that's triggering fight and flight thinking there's a lion outside every door trying to keep us alive. That's what the brain and these glands are trying to do. This is protection, to keep human beings alive, is now getting this influx of Mr. Device, here and television and social media feeds. All of these feeds that are funded by drama, people are entertained by the drama. The news shares drama, because they want to get people to watch television reality shows create drama, because they want to get people to watch. Of course, social media just multiplies drama, because they want to get people engaged on their app. Not only are people getting triggered by their own life and experiences, they're getting triggered by all the crud that's happening out there in the world. they're sitting there watching the evening news, getting triggered to fight or flight because of a bonfire in California and an earthquake in Australia and a war in Eastern Europe. it's not the brain that is not programmed to handle all of this influx of information. people are just living by default,? They're not intentionally taking responsibility for what they're allowed in there. of course, by elevating that drama level, the brain is on the edge, constantly,? The brain for many people that they're living on the edge, and if all it takes is hearing a baby cry next door at your next door neighbors, and they're triggered. You don't have to be up here.
Elle Ingalls 23:58
A baby crying is at the top of the list for most people when it comes to triggering the stress response. In the evening news, I did a survey once and that came in number three. watching the evening news is number three, number three on this of the stressors. One one that's really interesting is that adult children worry about adult children's lives. If I'm interviewing people who have adult children, there's just too much worry and concern for the next generation. What I teach is how that worry actually corrupts it even more.
Robert Peterson 24:42
they're watching the news, and they're looking at the world through negative glasses.
Elle Ingalls 24:47
I've watched the news since 1993., I don't I have my ways of getting my news, but I do not I haven't watched television news 93 Mary,
Robert Peterson 25:00
I tell people all the time that it'll find you, if it's important, it matters. Somebody will tell you like, oh, sure, you'll find out. it's not that important. just lowering that drama edge makes a huge difference,? being intentional..
Elle Ingalls 25:19
Actually, what I like to do is I like to empower people that they can engage without triggering fight or flight. Exactly. I work with a lot of C suite execs. Different people, but my people in that place there. It's just in entrepreneurs, business owners, we're, I'm writing a book now called the pressure free CEO. I did research on people that we've lost. people who've lost a heart disease, cancer and suicide. with entrepreneurialism, it's suicide actually, is the biggest one. The thing about it is, until you understand the empowerment until you get that piece, you can't be the leader you really want to be. you might not get the wake up call. Most CEOs who have a heart attack don't get a second chance like they don't get the wake up call one. It is it that is it. One of the reasons is when you trigger fight or flight, the adrenaline phase is mobilizing fat and glucose from your extremities, your brain cells and your extremities. like you pointed out, you're not running and you're not fighting. Where's it going? It's lining your arteries, and it's building fat in your torso. We just lost a great mountain biker in Scotland, the Scottish or UK from the UK this week. a heart attack. He's in his 30s. people will say well, they'll ask me because I work with triathletes, marathoners, runners, and they'll say, gosh, you're in such great shape, like what's happening. If you take a good look at a triathlete, if they're triggering fight or flight, because they're anxious about their races or their travel to get somewhere, whatever the small thing is, you'll notice these bands of stress that they don't really have a waist. They're these bands of stress fat, that's trying to protect them. If I see that, I know that their arteries are being blind. I've looked at that. If I see that, I know that because I used to be a distance runner. And I had that back in the 80s. I was like, ah, that's what that is. It's really cool to watch that fat dissipate and come off of there. I keep thinking, oh my gosh, how did I heal my arteries? I hit myself with many things in about eight weeks of using the method on myself. It was like a miracle. And there's many little insidious ways that we are, we're being attacked from the inside out. And when we can, when you can gain control over that piece, then much else in life is going to make sense. there's a ripple effect. Like one woman I was working with, she's an HR director of a large company, she goes, Wow. In one week, she goes, this is going to change my family's life forever. Just for little kids. This is gonna change a lot. it's like your eyes are open, and then you understand. then I just take people through a series of obsessions, where I'm teaching more and more tools. I teach body tools, mind tools and life design tools to break the stress cycle. And I never know which ones people are gonna like the most. A little 12 year old Uber, I'm starting a 12 year old tonight I have yet to be 10 Or my youngest son and a couple other 10 year olds, but I will actually coach his youngest 12 I'll say 12. And those tend to be uber academicians, athletes, performers, their kids who want to achieve but stress is starting to affect them. And I was working with a 12 year old little basketball player and I thought, Oh, she's gonna like my body tools. I was pre judging a few. And she liked my most sophisticated tools. And the way that she used them and she incorporated them I'm like, Okay, I'm never gonna preach. Because look at this girl girl. She's just taking off with this so
Robert Peterson 29:38
The huge power in using your mind and, and working between your mind and your body. And obviously, a lot of this, we focused on the negative side of that if we help lower this stress threshold, first of all that you're not living on the edge, it gives you more room for that reaction,? It gives you more room for that annoyance. And then and then when the annoyance happens, you really do have that period of time to say, Wait, is this something that's bothering me? Or am I going to freak out.
Elle Ingalls 30:45
They really only have 10 seconds. By the way, you've got 10 seconds, but 10 seconds is plenty of time.
Robert Peterson 30:51
Oh no. 10 seconds is an eternity when it comes to the brain.
Elle Ingalls 30:56
It's plenty of time, but it takes about 10 seconds for the amygdala to fire to tell the heart rate to charge up to tell the adrenal glands to release. And if we can, the amygdala may fire but you still can keep the heart rate down. And now the adrenal glands will not release that flood of hormones. That's what we're playing with, that 10 second solution, and tools. targets triggers, tools, and the 10. The second solution is how I work with people. And of course, I keep it super simple, because you are very complex, your past traumas, your past experiences, your habits of reactions are generations old, and not just your folks. But anyone can emulate it. if you emulated a teacher in school, or a peer, you're just you're just connecting in there. um,, we have to untangle a lot. And, usually my clients make breakthroughs between the six and eight week period, when we're working together. And by a breakthrough, what if they have a breakthrough day, they go the entire day without triggering fight or flight even once. And when that happens that night their body is rejuvenating, regenerating, and actually healing. Oh, and it changes sleep
Robert Peterson 32:12
for sure. Oh,
Elle Ingalls 32:14
you actually get a real light sleep. Because you can get into delta wave sleep. If you're smoking pot, by the way, you'll never get there. If you're using marijuana to get to sleep at night, I have clients who've come to me and I'm like, I gotta break this because now I lost my job, I'm not functioning well, because I'm tired. Like, why am I tired, because I'm finally getting to sleep because I'm using weed to get to sleep? But the problem is, it doesn't allow you to get into your brain to get into real sleep, your body will shut, relax and shut down. But there's a lot of issues with that one and melatonin. Like the number one call to what is Poison Control today is an overdose of melatonin. In children. This is scary to me. Like parents are using melatonin to try to get their kids to sleep because they're anxious. Their kids are anxious.
Robert Peterson 33:07
Well, and they're and, and they're trying to get their kids to sleep. they get that one moment of peace before bedtime because they're they're they're wound up. Everybody's I'm a I'm a huge fan of the positive side of these brain chemicals and and we don't talk enough about about the the dopamine and the oxytocin and the serotonin and the other endorphins that that our brain and body are designed to give us when we feel joy when we smile when we experience some of these some of these positive things. And even when we first hit a trigger, that trigger comes and if you smile in those first 10 seconds, that might be all it takes to stop it.
Elle Ingalls 33:51
, exactly. That's a very simple, cool, very simple tool. And the corners of the mouth need to go up, take a look at people smiling. You'll notice that when some people smile, it's like this way. I have a theory. It is not. It's this complete hypothesis. Okay, caveat, this is a hypothesis, I would take a guess that those are people whose moms had postpartum depression. They never saw real smiles when they were first born. And because of a real smile, the corners of the mouth are going up. And if your corners go up, you keep dopamine flowing. The amount of dopamine is not like a hit because you just had a glass of wine or a piece of chocolate. The amount of dopamine is fine and dopamine is required for your entire cortex and hippocampus to function properly. it's not just a feel good drug it is actually required for this to to function properly. Once you get that happening for yourself you're writing that. There's much else that's in there. And I'm sure you came across that latest study with the serotonin, the SSRIs. Like, probably people should not even be on those medications.
Robert Peterson 35:14
I'm, I'm not a, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a professional. But I will tell you that I believe the majority of those, our system created those drugs because of well meaning doctors saying I want to help my patient, and well meaning pharmaceutical companies saying we could sell our patients something like an aspirin that will take away their sadness. And the problem now is we have an entire culture of medicated people who just feel less sad.
Elle Ingalls 35:40
, and the other thing that I've discovered too, is I had a client who was being given many different medications at the same time. And as he and I were untangling it, I came to the realization, a lot of times a mental health professional is doing this simply to try and help this person stay alive., it's really a last ditch effort. And we got to try as much as we can, to keep this person a lot.
Robert Peterson 36:14
the problem is that, that's what stays is the solution, rather than helping them do the mind and body work, that will get them to a place,., just obviously, you've worked with athletes, but but for those non athletes understanding how the mind body connection works, and just the power of, of a walk the power of putting your body into motion, just a little bit in the day, maybe twice a day, getting getting your body in motion, impacts the mind, it impacts your ability to think and, and the two of those work together in really powerful ways.
Elle Ingalls 36:50
Well, and here's an important tool that I teach, usually upfront, I call it the starter tool, it is a gross motor motion. In those first 10 seconds, if you do a large motion that your body usually doesn't do, I call it the celebration ferris wheel, and you just push up like this, and get this wheel spinning. A gross motor motion, as an adult, is one of the few ways that you can actually create neural pathways instantly, in order for a habit to transform quickly. And if you just push in the air with your hands, you instantly are telling your brain oh, something's going on here. And you get to craft the habit then in 10 seconds. any large motion, when you were a child, your cortex grew from back to front through gross motor motion, large motions, not holding a crayon and writing large motions. And when we can, we could talk forever, my friend. But, when we're giving ATD, ADHD students drugs to calm them down, they can sit in classes, we're actually retarding their brains, because they need to move for their cortex to grow. And for them to get full executive function. And that is something that really needs to change. Because many students are not not developing, it's going to take them to like, I don't know, if they'll ever get their brain to the point where they can make really good decisions, executive decisions and have the willpower, the two spots for willpower to or depowered. That's critical.
Robert Peterson 38:36
You and I are definitely in the same boat. when my wife's the oldest of four hurt her, her younger brothers 10 years younger. And when we were first dating, he was in eighth grade and, and his parents, his mom was afraid of him, and his dad just didn't have a clue how to help him. And, and his dad was angry and threatened him and then when he threatened his mom with a baseball bat, they got him on Ritalin. And, and and he was a basket case, like we took my wife and I to a college hockey game. And he just sat in the seat and stared. And I'm like, Al, this is this is this isn't. And I said he can move in with us and we'll take care of him and I'll get him to school and the school systems a whole nother story. But I took him off Ritalin for that summer and I took him camping and I took him hiking and I took him we just did. We just did stuff and moves.. And he's and he's never been on Ritalin again. But I can see the impact. He couldn't read and write. He was functionally illiterate. And the school system just kept pushing him through because he was on special education. But now he's just turned 40 this year. And because of his relationships and things that have been happening with him he's got two teenage boys. He was looking on the internet trying to figure out what's wrong with my girlfriend and what's wrong with these boys and started watching these videos. And he and I chat regularly and, and. And he realized, wait a minute, it's not them. It's me.
Elle Ingalls 40:14
Oh my god,
Robert Peterson 40:15
It took him until he was 40. And he was. Here's a kid who never read a book in his entire high school up through high school never read a book. And this year, he's read almost 40 books. And he's changed his entire life. But I'm wondering now if some of what was happening to him then held him back all this time because it took his body that long to free itself. Now, he's now free, and he's changed. He's changed his relationships. He's changed his marriage. He's changed his business. And, and it's exciting to see that, he's, he's leaning into this personal development and personal growth. And really, it's changed everything for him.
Elle Ingalls 40:57
beautiful., it's, um, and again, everybody's doing the best they can. Oh, absolutely. If you have a child who is violent, and that violence piece, again, I gotta come back to weed again, because about 18 to 20% of the population from just the very first time they ever try it. They experience psychosis, serious psychosis, schizophrenia, sometimes violent action. And if you get somebody I always say if somebody's if a child is violent, are they doing we'd ask, just ask that question. It's pretty interesting. The answer is almost always yes. Wow. And it was California when they legalized that first started to see this pattern of kids coming into the ER, like 13 to 16 years old, it was their first experiment with weed. And they were going straight into the mental ward. what's going on there?, what's happening. it's, it's interesting.
Robert Peterson 41:56
we definitely were creating, I don't know what we're creating. It's definitely not good.. We're in Colorado, where it's been legalized almost longer than California. In fact, it's legalized now for recreational use. And it's just, it's been normalized. Here.. And, and, and there are tons of people self medicating with it, because, because, well, their quote unquote, Doctor Who, for medical marijuana doctors, it was good for cancer pain,? That's where this all started. And now it's good for everything. It's just the, it's the one. It's the cure for everything that could possibly be wrong with you. And, and of course, the worst thing
Elle Ingalls 42:45
is, you have living in tents on the streets.
Robert Peterson 42:48
No, more and more. Well, here's the worst thing.
Elle Ingalls 42:52
Go to Portland. Is anyone walking down the street now?
Robert Peterson 42:56
You hear that? Hear the hear this. The sad thing is that, in the 70s and 80s, the marijuana that was out there was 2% thc. It was teaching Chung's marijuana, having a good time in the back of the car and smoking, the marijuana in Colorado, the average now is 19% thc. And we've got people that are what they call dabbing. And they take, they take the marijuana and they get the liquid concentrate out of it. And it's, it's, they're designed to like the tip of this pen is the amount you're supposed to use. And people are using dime size portions of that. And it's because it's like 100% Concentrate. It's, it's, it's like, it's crazy what we're doing. It's not, and it's not a plant anymore. It's chemically genetically altered to the extreme.
Elle Ingalls 43:52
And those are probably the same people that would never have any GMO corn.
Robert Peterson 43:57
I had the exact same thought as I was saying that statement is like, oh, that I bet you they're the same. That's really funny. To me, it's heartbreaking,? I am thankful that my children never tried it as kids and now it's like, Well, why would we do that? and I'm super thankful that my kids didn't get involved because I know too many that have and, and too many that are stuck in a weird place because of it. And, now it's too easy. Like you can, you can just go by it. Now you can just go buy candy and brownies and cookies and you don't even have to smoke it and what that's doing to the brain is mind boggling.
Elle Ingalls 44:41
, really, it's that I did a brain health certification with Dr. Ayman, he's the one that scans the human brain to see where there might be some things going on. And fascinating work and to do His certification program was fantastic and understanding how quickly you can actually heal your brain. if you've been going through something and you have been self medicating with wine, weed, alcohol, anything. And then you're feeling like I want to do something different, because people will come to me and they'll actually say feel, even if they're not doing those things, but they're under much stress. go, I feel like my brain is broken. Ouch. And that is that. I actually am like, I'd love to get that hope and possibly, it's like, okay, in a matter of weeks, we get to turn that around, your brain is able to, to pop around, and actually make some things happen. But we gotta get out of the stress cycle first, because that completely powers your brain each and every day. When we can do that first, then let's see how you're thinking. Because that brain fog, the, all the all the things that would make you turn to something to want to feel good. That stops happening once you're not triggering stress hormones,
Robert Peterson 46:01
well, and then you can actually feel your emotions, you can actually feel the experience the emotions, and in recognizing, there's a reason., we know scientifically that the lower emotions, the grief, the shame, the guilt, those are all low vibrational frequencies, those are all love, those are all the things that your brain, feels, body. And then, and then when you get above and I call it the line of courage,? When you take responsibility for your life, you take responsibility for yourself, and you're no longer a victim and, and you're taking responsibility, just just owning you're owning yourself,. And again, you get up into these positive emotions, joy and peace and, and, and love. And these are high vibrational frequencies. And these are what lead to the body feeling amazing. And, and actually waking up every day going, Wow, I, I love my life and I love., brain is a huge part of my life.
Elle Ingalls 47:09
And, sadness is an interesting one. Because I realized in 2010, my eldest graduated high school, and there was this moment, as I was preparing for his open house, where I got very sad that my folks had passed away, like, they wouldn't be with us, because they would have been with us for the whole week, going through all this stuff., I felt the same thing with my youngest graduating from Columbia last spring, like, oh, I had this moment of sadness. Here's what I realized, I used to trigger my sadness with anger. Like, suddenly, I'm angry at God for my parents dying, like angry at cancer, angry at heart attack, angry. And that day, back in 2010, I didn't trigger stress, it didn't trigger the fight or flight stress response. And I truly believe I felt sadness, real sadness for the first time. And it was a really beautiful emotion. Because it was pure, it wasn't laced with the stress hormones. And that was powerful.
Robert Peterson 48:13
Well, and like you said, you can experience the emotion without the baggage. And, and, and most of the time, we feel like the baggage is what's triggering the emotion.
Elle Ingalls 48:27
cart before horse.
Robert Peterson 48:30
, it's the Serenity Prayer,?, helped me understand the things I can control and help me know, figure out the things I can't control and give me the wisdom to know the difference. And, and I can't control that my parents, my mom's passed away, I can't, I can't control that. But I can control how I react to it. And when the memory comes up, rather than, I don't want to get angry. I want to celebrate and of course, we're a terrible culture at grieving. We don't grieve for a lick. And, I don't know we're supposed to paint ourselves in black and be sad and miserable. Because somebody's past and the truth is, all of us are going there. There's no, there's no way out. There's no they haven't figured out a way to avoid that. And death is a pretty big reality in most people's lives. And if we learn how to grieve well, and how to celebrate life, and how to celebrate the memories, and how wonderful for you, I like that idea, thinking about oh, man, this would have been cool. If mom and dad were here, we'd have spent the week together and they'd have been proud. And, that those are good things. That's, you can either say that's a really good thing or you can get mad and sad and depressed about it and trigger yourself.? Because you because it can't happen.. That choice is there.
Elle Ingalls 49:59
There's much It's about, what I call it, what's in your faith Foundation, like your deep values, your deep beliefs that inform how you even handle any of these things. And out of the mouths of babes when my father in law passed away, we got the phone call, and my middle son was probably five or so. And he said, Don't worry about money. Now poppers can be with us, always, you can see everything we're doing. He couldn't do that before. And then when my mother died, my youngest was about five. And we're lying in bed reading, to go to sleep. And then we started talking about the Grammy. And he goes, Well, Grammys in sight is now she's in that blackness inside us. I love to hear what children have to say they're very close to some things, and they know things. And when, when we were sitting in New York this spring at a graduation and that thought came over me, those two things popped into my mind. Okay, they're all. They're all here and we're all here. And it was this joy. occasion.
Robert Peterson 51:22
, that's good., I, I I'm encouraged that you're out helping people and, and I want more, more and more people to to experience that life, experience life, in their own control life on their own terms. And, life where their brain and body are functioning in the way that they're designed to. Absolutely. And, and helping them learn, learn your triggers, learn some tools to avoid those triggers becoming stress or fight or flight triggers. And, and freeing yourself from being a slave to yourself.
Elle Ingalls 52:01
, exactly. Pressure free living is a lifestyle. That's what one of my clients calls it shows his total lifestyle. And when you step into that lifestyle, you are free. If it's not perfection, it's protection from the release of these hormones. You can really accept yourself, what I as a client said, I found the true me, I found the true me beautiful, who is the true us we don't know, if you're under the influence of those hormones, we don't even know our true selves. Another fellow who had been abused as a child was afraid he was going to pattern the same way with his own children. And, and I said, well, let's just work together, let's just see what's going to happen for you. And that was early in our work together. And a couple months in, I said, I want to go back to that thing that you talked about, because I have had an insight recently. And he goes, he all told me about it, I go, I, the more pressure free I become, the more I am totally knee in not either of my parents. And usually it's the negative aspects of our parents that we don't want to be when we hear ourselves say or do something similar, that we have this uncomfortable feeling. But I said, I don't feel that anymore. It's like, I stepped into the true skin of me. And he goes, this is cool, because I like he was feeling those first steps of that. Beautiful.
Robert Peterson 53:34
, this challenging? The minute we make a statement, like I don't want to be like my father.? Our brain doesn't hear that don't Oh, it doesn't No joke, just like you watch children and their parents tell him don't do that. And they just go and do it because they don't hear the don't and nobody understands. They think no, you're just being disobedient you do not know the child heard you say go do that. That's what they heard. That's what their brain is reacting to what you just said, and, and don't is the worst word in the vocabulary., besides can't maybe. It's, and even when we tell ourselves, I don't want to be like my father. All my brain hears is I want to be like my father. And, and it starts doing that. And it's a self fulfilling prophecy. just recently had read No more. No more, Mr. Nice Guy. And in the premise of the idea of nice guys, it is that they were raised by either absentee fathers or, or, or, or angry fathers or no father. And they had that negative side. Then they were raised by mothers primarily, and of course mothers raising sons when they're unhappy with their masculine partner. are trying to raise their sons without, with a different form of masculinity. Don't be like your father. It creates, it creates this. What happens to the boys that become men is they feel like they gotta be somebody else, they act like something else, and they don't get to be themselves. there's this whole large population of boys becoming men, that feel like they have to put on airs? They have to act differently to, to please women, they have to act differently to get the job, they have to act differently. then they become liars. Because they're trying to cover up the way they're really acting. I'm sure they're triggering themselves constantly, because they're constantly in this stressed out place of, of, of weather. Obviously, they're not in harmony with themselves. that lack of integrity, that lack of who, when what a mess we're creating out there.
Elle Ingalls 56:04
It's true. just recently, I've talked to my clients about this, but I had a conversation with someone else, I call it in between generations. people that are about I would say like 70 to 85 now. They came of age in the 60s and 70s in the cultural transfer, cultural revolution, and what I refer to as the me generation, it's all about my pleasure., who cares about marriage, it's just all about my pleasure, I can have as many partners as I want, like, all that, all of that,. And its effect on the nuclear family meant that in 19/71 year, there's 50% divorce rate. then that their children are in their 40s now. And that's a really high divorce rate for people that subset there. And the ones that I coached, they don't even really know how to be in a relationship if they've never seen one.? Now their kids are now teens. But then there's the in between one like, my parents were not a part of the 60s revolution at all, they were coming out at the end of the 50s. And how they raised us, and how I'm raising my kids, it's like, every 15 years, it's a different thing. It's a different focus. And it's interesting to me to watch that. And of course, family culture plays the biggest role, but I've been watching this kind of thing happen. it's just an interesting thing to note. And, and say, Okay, what, no matter whether your parents stayed together or not, like what was missing? Because all of us have something that was missing or nothing was perfect. Nothing. it's like, okay, what is it that what building blocks do we need to work on? And, and that deep empowerment to begin to trust again? If you ever did, if you got a chance to trust you might not have ever had a chance to truly trust?
Robert Peterson 58:15
, there's much. Obviously, what pieces that I help people by looking at their stories? What are the stories? Not? It's not what happened in your past? What are the stories you tell yourself about what happened in your past? And? And how do we, how do we make sure those stories are empowering you, in your present, to get you what you want in your future? And it's a powerful exercise, because, it's, it's easy to say, when my parents were blind, and that's caused me to be bought, and, and you've mentioned it a few times, they were doing the very best they had with the tools that they had even even people that are abusers not to excuse the abuse, because that's inexcusable, but they were doing the best they had with the tools that they had. We've createda large population without relationship tools, without wanting tools without that. They've never seen a marriage. They don't know how a marriage and relationship is supposed to work.. And then they watch television or romance movies, and that's their, that's their idea of what a relationship should look like, and how long that's gonna fall on its face. Because it's fictional. It's not even real.
Elle Ingalls 59:35
I do have a hard stop at 530 with a quiet but um, but this is what you just brought forward. I actually had a client who tried to learn about relationships from television, and then got into her marriage . It wasn't at all like that. And then she was confused with her own situation growing up there. It was just a mess. she didn't know, it sounds And there's a again, we've become real lonely too, are often these little silos. And that's one thing that 2020 and the internet brought, oh, it's now like you can connect with people and get help that you never knew was even existed before
Robert Peterson 1:00:16
we can stop some of this isolation. now. Thank you very much. This is exciting. I want you to leave and let all these people know. I want you to leave them with ELLs words of wisdom. What would you share?
Elle Ingalls 1:00:28
, it's, the biggest thing is, you're going to be okay. Learn this, learn what we do, learn it, and it will open you up and you'll get to find the real you. And it's much more beautiful than you ever could have dreamed. But there is hope and possibility that I want to leave you with this hope and possibility that whatever is going on for you. There is a way into something better.
Robert Peterson 1:00:55
Oh, oh, thank you very much.